The View from the Meadow

The Meadow Joke List

Some Thoughts To Make You Smile

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

God must love stupid people --- He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine

HOME DEPOT SCAM!

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they refuse, but ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also August 1st, 3rd, three times just yesterday and very likely again this next weekend. Phew! This is hectic!

So tell your friends to be careful.

P. S. I learned to stuff my wallet with Monopoly money and useless papers. I was born at night, but not last night!

Old Guy in a Bar

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

From the Mouths of Babes

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.

As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied..

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer keyboard. She told him she was writing a story.

“What's it about?" He asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."

My 3-year-old granddaughter and I were studying the world globe, and finding different points of interest. I pointed to the ocean and asked her what that was. She was hesitant to answer, so I said, "that's the ocean."

Whereupon she said, "Very good!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the kid confidently. "It means carrying a child.?

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

The Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

Beware of Deaf Genies!

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.   The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.  He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.  The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.  This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

 The Elephant's Lesson

In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. While hiking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, Dan approached it very carefully, got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot finding a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. He carefully and gently worked the wood out of the foot with his hunting knife.

The elephant gingerly put down its foot and turned to face the man with a rather curious look on its face. The massive animal stared at him for several tense moments while Dan stood frozen from fear of being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and slowly walked away.

Dan never forgot that encounter with the elephant. Twenty years later, he was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the massive creatures slowly turned and walked over to where Dan and his son were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan for a long while, then lifted its front foot up and down several times. The elephant then raised its trunk and trumpeted loudly, resurrecting Dan's memories of his encounter in Kenya all those years ago. He was wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan felt moved to bond with the animal and find out whether it was really the same elephant after all these years. He summoned all of his courage and climbed over the railing into the enclosure. Walking right up to the elephant, he returned the animal's stare.

The elephant raised its trunk and trumpeted again --- then wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant......

Wine vs. Water

Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria".

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of  the year we  would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) --- the bacteria found in feces.  In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

Virus Alert

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.  This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest antidote store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends.  If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

The Truth Test

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

Life Advice

A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.

ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.

I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.

42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.

99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.

I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.

More Life Advice

DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.

THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.

I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.

SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.

MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.

A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.

GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!

PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.

ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST --- AND BE PROUD OF IT!

Life and a Can of Beer

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes’.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things –your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions—things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled - I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers!

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

The Lord Grants a Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said,"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said,"Your request is very materialistic.Besides, think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking.The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!The concrete and steel it would take!

I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.Take a little more time and think of another wish,a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said,"Lord, I wish that I could understand women.I want to know how they feel inside,what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,why they cry,what they mean when they say 'nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

The Year is 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally ... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of theMiddle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

Bill Gates' Advice

Bill Gates recently dished out this advice about what you may or may not have learned at school. His audience was a group of graduating high schoolers. He argues that politically correct teaching has created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1 Life is not fair -- get used to it.

RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Rodney Dangerfield's Top 10 Best One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. 

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

New Rules for Americans

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet, ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

Stop e-mailing me that pop-up ad for classmates.com http://classmates.com/ ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone! Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Eating Right

Yesterday I went to the doctor for an annual physical.  I told him I hadn't been feeling that great recently. He said my blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, and I weighed to much for my age and size. He said you've got to start "eating right"!   

I said, "How do I do that, Doc?"

He said, just "Keep it Simple. Eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Just think in terms of "colors."

Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, oranges, yellows, reds, etc..etc.  "Understand?"  he asked.

So, I went right home, and ate an entire bowl of "M&M's" and sure enough --- I felt better immediately!

I never knew eating right could be so easy!

Even More Life Advice

YOU THINK NOBODY CARES? TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.

OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?

HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?

IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.

WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.

HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.

EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.

IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?

HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?

EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?

I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.

WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK

In My Next Life

In my next life I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way first.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

After that, you get kicked out for being too healthy.Next, you spend 10 to 20 years enjoying your retirement and collecting your pension.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day and you already know how to do everything.You work 40 years until you're too young to work any more.

In high school, knowing what you know, you drink alcohol, party and are generally promiscuous.

When you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play and you have no responsibilities.

Then, you become a baby, and ...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions . . . with central heating and room service on line,

And, then ... best of all, you finish off as an orgasm.

What Equals 100 Percent?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 % ? Athletes who claim they're giving 110 %, for example.

What does 100% mean? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Here's a mathematical formula that answers these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Life and a Can of Beer

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes’.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things –your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions—things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else—the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have time for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled - I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers!

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the beer.

The Moral

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.."

"Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete."

"Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?"

"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

George Carlin on Life

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We hav e bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?

George Carlin

New Rules For 2008

Stop those pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

A Dog's Life

An old, tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.

The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.

This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."

The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Life’s Lessons

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "politics."

There is a very fine line between "sports fan" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is Congress.

There is no clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Men are like fine wine. . . They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

An Effective Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a vuluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven’t felt this good in years."

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

How to Decide Who to Marry

(Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck hit her.
-- Ricky, age 10

Service

I used to believe I understood the meaning of  the word "service." It's the act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused. This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them said  he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.  

Now I understand what all those "service"  agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

Proverbs

A grade school teacher gave her students the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to finish it. Here are some of the answers:

Strike while:   the bug is close.

It's always darkest:   before Daylight Saving Time

Don't bite the hand:   that looks dirty.

A miss is as good as:   a mister

You can't teach an old dog:   new math

Where there's smoke there's:   pollution

A penny saved is:   not much

Children should be seen:   and not spanked

When the blind lead the blind:   get out of the way

Better late than:   pregnant

A day without sunshine is like -- night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Kids’ Answers

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

George Carlin’s New Rules for 2008

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with Senator Larry Craig. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're an idiot. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your sports heroes. If you're a grown man -- they're pictures of men.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

You don't need a bigger M&Ms. If you’re extra hungry for M&Ms, go nuts and eat two.

Various Thoughts

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Bush has demonstrated this fact.

(but would any sane person really want to be president?)

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as your dog does.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But, I have never been able to make out the numbers.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be the boss and work twelve hours a day.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

All religions are the same. They are basically a heavy helping of guilt with different holidays.

A great new diet: Eat as much as you want, whatever you want and whenever you want.

You won't lose any weight, but it's an easy diet to stick to.

A penny doesn't sound like much, until you hear it in the dryer.

The most expensive vehicle to operate per mile is a supermarket shopping cart.

Dealing With Life

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who enjoys the scenery on a detour.

Why …

…do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

… do we, in winter, try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

…do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

…does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars in the sky, but check when you say the paint is wet?

… do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

… doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

… do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

… is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

… is there never a day that mattresses are not on sale?

… is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

… if people evolved from apes are there still apes

… do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized

… do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance

… don't you ever hear father-in-law jokes

… do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt

Observations

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

How do dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Statistics show that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of three friends. If they're okay ---  then it's you.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport a terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected

Wise Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "you should have remained a virgin."
-- Barbara Bush (mother of George W. Bush)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

I never drink water. Fish f**k in it.
-- W. C. Fields

King Hocks His Jewels

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Dealing With Life

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

A truly happy person is one who enjoys the scenery on a detour.

Answers to the Great Questions

If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

Three days of steady drinking should do it.

According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

 No; wait until morning ..

Which of the five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

           The sense of decency.

You decide to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

Probably not, you’ll be too busy growing strawberries.

More Observations

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Making a smoking section in a restaurant is like making a peeing section in a swimming pool

There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, electricians should be delighted, musicians denoted, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, the new company would be Fed UP.

When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... THEIRS.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

A smoking section in a restaurant is about the same as a peeing section in a swimming pool.

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

Even More Observations 

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
       
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?  He's all right now.
       
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
       
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
       
A will is a dead giveaway.

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators.

Thoughts for the Day

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
 
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
 
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
 
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
 
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
 
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
 
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
 
Make your words sweet and tender today, for tomorrow you may have to eat them.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing, but to leave the wrong things unsaid.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

Did you ever notice when the words "The" and "IRS" are combined it spells "Theirs?"

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witch-craft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord: Please keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN

More George Carlin Quotes
 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

“I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Facts of Life

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
   
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
 
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
   
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
   
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
   
Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.
   
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
   
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
   
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away just before you need it.
 
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Ponderings

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

What Equals 100 Percent?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 % ? Athletes who claim they're giving 110 %, for example.

What does 100% mean? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Here's a mathematical formula that answers these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity show that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Lessons Learned From Noah's Ark

ONE: Don't miss the boat.

TWO: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR: Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

FIVE: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

SIX: Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

NINE: When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

Obit: The Passing of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who was with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain.
Why the early bird gets the worm.
Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was your fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their children and teachers were fired for reprimanding unruly students. And a 6-year-old boy was charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became politically active businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. When you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.When a woman spilled hot coffee on her lap, sued the company that served her the coffee and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his four stepbrothers: I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Ever Wonder?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired. That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

10.8 million people work for state and city Governments.

That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me!

Ever Wonder Pt. II

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows XP?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

Yet More Life Advice

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain - no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Yet More Observations

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses three thousand times the memory

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?

Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swinnimg pool.

I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect - therefore I am perfect.

Murphy's Travel Laws

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

You Know You're in Trouble If ...

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

Your suggestion box is ticking.

Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Meaning Of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit by the door of your house all day and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That"s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I"ll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I"ll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That"s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer"s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That"s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I"ll give back the other forty?" God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I"ll give you twenty years."

But the human said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Thats Life

An Old Farmer's Advice

Keep skunks and bankers at a Distance.
Life is easier when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is often the best answer.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
The biggest troublemaker you need to deal with is watching you in the mirror.

The Procrastinator's Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

More Wise Quotes

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

More Idle Thoughts

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it me - or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Ponderisms

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr- Alt- Delete' and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called 'labor!'

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.'

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?

Remember: A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable and Always Close To Your Heart!

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

The differences between a rut and a grave is the length and depth.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Still More Life Advice

Remember, at least half the people you know are below average.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.
Get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Remember --- if the world did not suck, we would all fall off.

More Ponderings

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which we die.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like a Slinky .... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

We can all learn a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers: What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!

If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea.... does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages Aren't they just stale bread to begin with

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use Toothpicks

Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to play golf?

Confucius Quotes

War does not determine who is right; war determines who is left.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

It take many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Crowded elevators smell different to midget.

Simple Home Remedies:

You need only three tools: A hammer, WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer --- you've got an electrical problem.

If it doesn't move – and should – use WD-40.

It it does move – and shouldn't – use the duct tape.

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables: Get somebody else to do it.

Avoid chastisements from women about lifting the toilet seat: Use the Sink!

High Blood Pressure Cure: Cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes. Remember to use a timer....

Alarm Override Protection: Put a mouse trap on top of your alarm to prevent you from hitting the snooze button.

Cure for a Bad Cough: Take a large dose of laxatives. You'll be afraid to cough!

The Eagle and the Rabbit

An eagle is sitting on a tree limb resting, viewing his domain. A small rabbit sees the eagle and asks him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing?”

The eagle says, “'Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sits on the ground below the eagle and rests.

All of the sudden, a fox appears, jumps on the rabbit and eats it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up the tree.

Universal Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Words of Wisdom

Money might not buy happiness, but it's definitely better to cry in a Rolls Royce than on a bicycle.

Forgive your enemies, but remember their names.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Many people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but neither does milk

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Observations On The Human Body

Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

Now really, would anyone every say they never dream, especially now that they know this.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

Actually, I've never seen one of those. Have you?

The smallest is the male sperm.

Those poor little swimmers! Well, it all goes to prove that "size doesn't matter."

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

No wonder I'm so tired all the time.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

You've got to be kidding!

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

Why, God, why?

A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

I hope that's a good thing.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

Sometimes it feels more like a basketball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

I don't think I'm going to test this one out. I'll just accept it as fact.

The human brain cell can hold five times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

An image just popped into my mind: an encyclopedia salesperson going door to door selling brain cells.........

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

Is that like diarrhea, only further up the GI tract?

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Oh, no. I'd swear mine last all night. But then I don't wear my watch when I go to bed, so I really don't know...

Men with hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men without hair.

I think I'm in major trouble here. I wonder if shaving my chest would reduce my chances of liver disease?

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

Again, when I was that young, I hadn't starting wearing my watch yet, so I would never have been able to test that fact first hand.

There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

And, boy, do they ever feel heavy sometimes!

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

I think my wife can attest to that all right.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Well, maybe most of the time...

Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

Well, that's a relief to know. Imagine what would happen to the mother-to-be if the teeth were growing above the gum line.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

This has actually been pointed out to me by a former "flame," whom I both loved and hated. Well, there is a practical side to this: Whenever I go for my annual eye exam, I can bring either someone I love or someone I detest. That way, the eye doctor doesn't have to put those drops in my eyes.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

Does this statistic give blondes the upper edge for a change? I think so. They suffer so much from those "dumb blonde" jokes.

Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

Now I know why there's the phrase "thumbing your nose." It all makes such perfect sense.

At this very moment, we all know you are putting this fact to the test...

Well, at least my thumb is on my nose rather than in it!

 

 

 

 

Wise Sayings

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

T he best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere ... and let the air out of their tires.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

 

 

 

 

 

Rules of the Universe

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Artificial intelligence will never replace natural stupidity.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need a vacation.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet: a cookie in each hand.

Opportunities always appear greater after they have passed.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

People who think logically provide a nice contrast to the rest of the population.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

 

 

 

 

 

Deep Thoughts

A day without sunshine is like. Night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is an indication of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Every one has a photographic memory. Some of us just lack film.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what the hell happened

If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is the slowest rate at which one can die.

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

 

 

 

Eternal Questions ......

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 

 

 

 

 

Laws of Probability

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works in grocery stores, too).

Law of the Bath - When the body is first fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.

Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

 

 

 

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.

 

 

 

 

 

You Know You Are Living in 2010 When....

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

 

 

 

 

 

Success in The Various Stages of Life

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a driver's license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

 

 

 

 

 

The Great Truths

Great Truths That Children Have Learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats...
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths About Growing Old

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Its frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

 

 

 

A Solution For Arrogance

Louisiana Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. The man in charge told the farmer, "We need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don"t get out in that pasture over there."

The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, "I have the authority of the State of Louisiana to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish."

So the old farmer went about his chores. A short while later the farmer heard loud screams and yelling.

He saw several Highway Department employees in the pasture running for their lives. The farmer's huge prize bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the Highway employees at every step.

The old farmer yelled out, "Show him your card, Smart Ass.... Show him your card!

 

 

 

 

 

I Owe My Mother

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, don't come to me to fix it."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You're gonna sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

 

 

 

 

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer and threw out my booze.

 

 

 

 

 

Confucius Proverbs

Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

 

 

 

 

 

High School 1957 vs. 2011

Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock
2011 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2011 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2011 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

Aphorisms
Short sentences expressing a wise observation or truth

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they identify which people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

 

 

 

 

 

Confucius Sayings

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Crowded elevators smell different to midget.

 

 

 

 

 

 

College Freshmen

This is the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen:

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced two years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control..

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. was.

They don't know how to use a typewriter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today's Newspapers
A Perspective on Political News

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a poor job of it.

7. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

8. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

9. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch is read by people who want only the score of the Cardinals game. They drink Budweiser, Budweiser, and -- wait a minute -- what was the question?

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

 

 

 

 

 

Cold Is A Relative Thing

65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

40°
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before cold weather sets in.

20°
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.

0°
Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30° below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

-40°
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

-50°
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open two hours late.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What a World........
This is how our world works these days?

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer.

If a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So, if I die while my old wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer,
I want all of you to blame Bill Gates .

Great Truths

Great Truths That Adults have Learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Today's mighty oak is yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Great Truths About Growing Old

Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a
roller coaster.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

 

 

Reflections

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it: Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

 

 

 

 

 

Deep Thoughts

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Words for the Wise

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

I love being married. It's great to find that special person to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

 

 

 

 

 

Adult Truths

It should be a best friend's job to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell do you fold a fitted sheet?

I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

I'm going to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray. I don't want to have to restart my collection ever again.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

The first testicular guard, the "cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughtful Observations

He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Observations from Maxine

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.

Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.

If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.

Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

 

 

 

 

 

Rules of Life

Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Star Spangled Banner

A man took his four-year-old son to several baseball games where "The Star-Spangled Banner" was sung before the start of each game.

When the two of them attended church on the Sunday before Independence Day the congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner. When they finished, the boy yelled out at the top of his voice, “Play ball.“

Just when did that become part of the lyrics?

 

 

 

 

 

How To Out Run A Bear

Two guys are out hiking when all of a sudden a bear comes out of the woods and starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Texas Version Of “Survivor”

A Texas version of the “Survivor” TV show is under development.

Contestants must drive a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio, San Marcos and Lubbock will be the winner.

Reasons To Go To Work Without Clothes

No one ever steals your chair.

It gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

It can divert attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

The excuse, “ I left my wallet in my pants” works when asked to contribute to something.

Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00.

It stops those jerks in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers

A Lesson in Life

A professor of philosophy places a large mayonnaise jar on his desk and proceeds to fill it with golf balls. He then asks the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it is.

The professor then picks up a box of pebbles and pours them into the jar and shakes the jar lightly. The pebbles roll into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asks the students again if the jar is full. They agree it is.

The professor next picks up a box of sand and pours it into the jar. The sand fills up everything else. He again asks if the jar is full. The students respond with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produces two beers from under the table and pours the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laugh..

'Now,' saiys the professor as the laughter subsides, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions. If everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter; like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.'

The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children.

Spend time with your parents.

Visit with grandparents.

Take your spouse out to dinner.

Play another round of golf.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and asked the professor what the Beer represented.

He smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a Couple of Beers with a friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body.

It's much better to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funeral Humor

Our local cemetery raised its prices, and blamed it on the cost of living.

Life's Observations

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 

 

 

 

 

Negative People

A woman who was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband mentioned the trip to the hairdresser.

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? asked the hairdresser. “It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," she replied. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were verbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He asked me, "Who f**ked up your hair?"

 

 

 

 

 

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert wrote an impressive book. It's called Ministers Do More Than Lay People

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and the ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

 

 

 

 

 

Work vs. Prison

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK....Your reward for good behavior is more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK....You have to share.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK....They are called supervisors.

 

 

 

 

 

Wisdom Of The Wise

Men forget but never forgive.
Women forgive but never forget.

Don't make decisions when you're angry, & don't make promises when you're happy.

Falling in love is like jumping off a really tall building, your brain tells you its not a good idea, but your heart tells you, you can fly.

It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us

What's the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.

It's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.

The toughest thing about success is that you've got to keep on being a success

Make friends before you need them