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The View from the Meadow

The Meadow Joke List

Minnesota/Midwest Jokes

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  Tickle Me Elmo Ole's Farm 
  Little Known Facts About Minnesota Ole Has An Accident 
  Three Norwegians Reverend Ole Puts Up a Sign 
  Lutran Airlines Announcement Sven and Ole 
  Minnesotan Quiz Ole and Lena Get Married 
  Diary of a Snow Shoveler Sven and Ole Go Fishing
  Italian Lover The Meaning of the Expression "Uff DA" 
  A Message from the Rural Midwest Considering Divorce 
  Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota The Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage 
  Farmer Wants a Divorce T'ree Norvegians  
  A Minnesota Birthday Letter From a Farm Kid in Boot Camp
  You Might Live in Minnesota IF: You Know You're From California If: 
  More You Might Live in Minnesota IF: Even More You Might Live in Minnesota IF:  
  Growing Up in a Small Midwestern Town Lena Gets a Job
  Rules of Minnesota Sven and Ole Try The Hauling Business 
  Little Known Facts About Minnesota Ole Has An Accident
  A Message from the Rural Midwest You Grew Up IN Rural Minnesota IF:
  Questionable Sign God and Minnesota 
  Show and Tell Cold Is A Relative Thing 
  Ole and the Doctor Ole Buys a Cow
  Minnesota Engineers God Creates Minnesota
  Ole And Lena At The Olympics Minnesota Quarters Alert
  Wisconsin Travel Advisory  
     
     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at8:00 AM.. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

 

 

 

Little Known Facts About Minnesota

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858, and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled "Life on the Farm."

Minnesota gets its name from the Sioux Indian word "Mah-Nee-Soo-Tah," meaning "No, really. They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will ...." Aw, never mind.

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "The Lutefisk Capitol of the World." Avoid this town at all costs.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the Dick Van Dyke Show. The name of the show, originally titled "Life Without Dick," was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where Even a Man Who Wears a Feather Boa Can Grow Up to Be Governor."

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, which enables Minnesotans to live, work, eat and sleep without ever going outside. The only problem is, a Norwegian will occasionaly turn up missing.

Cartoonist Charles Shultz was born in Minneapolis and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of native Minnesotans.

The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota, produces six million cans of Spam a year, although nobody actually eats the stuff....

Water skis were invented in 1922 in Lake City, Minn, by Ralph Samuelson. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.

Saint Paul was originally named "Pig's Eye," after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Minneapolis was known as "Pig's Colon."

Olivia, MN, erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage in 1973. It was eaten in 1974 by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.

Minnesota license plates are blue and white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day -- Get Used to It"

The Three Musketeers candy bar was developed by the Mars Candy Company of Newport, Minn. The initial prototype consisted of three bars in a single wrapper. Each bar contained a different flavor of nougat filling: chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis in 1926. The state's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow the use of only semi-automatic toasters.

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, MN, and was famous for her "Little House" series of books. She is also known for developing The Spam Diet -- which consists of looking at a plate of Spam or lutefisk until you lose your appetite.

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, MN, in order to enable families to attend Indepence Day picnics.

The only way to tell Minnesotans from Wisconsinites is to ask them if they voted for Mondale in '84.

 

 

 

Three Norwegians

Three Norwegians went down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation, got drunk, and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first, Sven, was asked if he has any last words. He says, "I yust graduated from Saint Olaf in Northfield, Minnesota and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees; beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him.

The second, Lars, is strapped in and gives his last words, "I yust graduated from the Gustavus Adolphus in St. Peter and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees; beg for his forgiveness, and release him.

The last one, Ole, is strapped in and says, "Vell, I've just graduated with a degree from Nebraska University in Lincoln, NE in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

 

 

Lutran Airlines Announcement

Ve are pleased to announce Lutran Air is now operating from Duluth Airport. Ya shure, you betcha! Dis is da latest air service to sprout up in Minnesota. Also serving Visconsin, Nort and Sout Dakota.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck.

Rows 1-6, bring rolls;

7-15, bring a salad;

16-21, hot dish

22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will-offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention now to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

"Okay den, listen up you guys. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to vorry about den dat.

Yust stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and yust hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but vut can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head.

Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front . Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace. Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close. Amen!"

 

 

Minnesotan Quiz

For those of you from Minnesota, this ought to be easy! Good luck to the rest of you!

I How many Super Bowls have the Vikings won?
a. 1
b. 2
c. 0
d. 4

II The Mississippi River starts at which lake?
a. Lake Superior
b. Lake Itasca
c. Mille Lacs
d. The General Mills Pond

III Choppers are worn on which body part?
a. Hands
b. Feet
c. Head
d. Over da lower end of yer backside der.

IV Which city is furder up nort der?
a. Ely
b. Dulute
c. St. Cloud
d. Waseca

V The Minnesota State fish is?
a. Bass
b. Walleye
c. Carp
d. Eelpout

VI St. Paul is smaller than which other city?
a. Rochester
b. Dulute
c. Minneapolis
d. Osseo

VII Lutefisk can be found where?
a. Mississippi River
b. Lake Superior
c. Mille Lacs Lake
d. The basement of a Lutheran Church

VIII Which is considered a Minnesota State Holiday?
a. St. Patrick's Day
b. Fishing Opener
c. Labor Day
d. Hopkins Raspberry Days

IX Who are Ole and Sven?
a. The Mayors of Bemidji and Elk River
b. The Governor and Lt. Governor
c. The perpetual stereotypes of dumb Scandinavian jokes
d. The former owners of the Vikings.

X Which color becomes fashionable each fall?
a. Brown
b. Teal
c. Blaze Orange
d. Gray

XI W-A-Y-Z-A-T-A is pronounced which way?
a. WAY-zat-A
b. why-ZET-a
c. way-ZOT-a
d. WHY-zate-a

XII How thick should the ice be before driving onto the lake?
a. 1/2 inch
b. 1 inch
c. 10 feet
d. 12 inches

XIII Which star was not born in Minnesota?
a. Judy Garland
b. James Arness
c Jessica Lange
d. Peewee Herman

XIV Who was the first governor of Minnesota?
a. Verne Gagne
b. Alexander Ramsey
c. Henry Sibley
d. Nick Bockwinkle

Answers:
I c. 0
II b. Lake Itasca
III a. Hands
IV a. Ely
V b. Walleye
VI c. Minneapolis
VII d. The basement of a Lutheran Church
VIII b. Fishing Opener
IX c. The perpetual stereotypes of dumb Scandinavian jokes
X c. Blaze Orange
XI b. why-ZET-a
XII d. 12 inches
XIII d. Peewee Herman
XIV c. Henry Sibley

 

 

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

For those of you who love the snow...

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot cocoa and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the doggone stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white garbage fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, used the bathroom and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. Is she nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry-bleeping-Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a freaking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver; he is now suing me for a million dollars not only for the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

 

Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

 

A Message from the Rural Midwest

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states in the Midwest tourist agencies have adopted a set of information guidelines to help outsiders understand the Midwest. The following list will be handed to each motorist entering the state:

That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It's called a 'gravel road'! No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car. Now just drive 70 or get used to being passed.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it!

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We're real impressed!!! We have two quarter-million dollar combines that we only use three weeks a year.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.

Now, enjoy your visit!

 

 Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live inMinnesota.
 
If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year becauseInternationalFallsis the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live inMinnesota.
 
If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If you know how to say...Wayzata... Mahtomedi.... Cloquet Edina... and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You measure distance in hours, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You know several people, who have hit deer more than once, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
 You might live in Minnesota.
 
You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You carry jumper cables in your car,and your girlfriend knows how to use them, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You can identify a southern or eastern accent, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce, 
You might live in Minnesota.
 
If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You know "a brat" is something you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.
 
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesota friends,
You DO live in Minnesota.

 

 

 

 

Farmer Wants a Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

 

 

 

Sven and Ole

Sven and Ole went into the garbage hauling business.  All they had for a truck was Sven's 1949 Ford pick-up with the grain sides on it.

They had just filled it to the top and started out for the dump, when they were stopped by the police. The  officer said garbage was blowing off the top of their load and if they didn't find a way to hold it down, he was going to give them a ticket. So, Ole climbed up on top and laid down spread eagle on top of the garbage.

As they drove along, they passed under a bridge. Two Swedes standing on the bridge saw this sight and one of them remarked, "Vell, vould you look at dat!  Somebody threw away a perfectly good Norwegian."

 

 

 

 

 

You Might Live in Minnesota IF:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by -- You might live in Minnesota .

If you're proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation -- You might live in Minnesota .

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's 'too spendy' -- You might live in Minnesota .

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March -- You might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there -- You might live in Minnesota .

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead -- You might live in Minnesota .

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time -- You might live in Minnesota .

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches -- You might live in Minnesota .

If you know how to pronounce Wayzata, Mahtomedi, Cloquet, Edina and Shakopee -- You might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy -- You might live in Minnesota.

 

 

 

 

 

More You Might Live in Minnesota IF:

If vacation means going 'up north' for the weekend – You might live in Minnesota.

You measure distance in hours -- You might live in Minnesota .

You know several people, who have hit deer more than once, -- You might live in Minnesota .

You often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again -- You might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching -- You might live in Minnesota .

You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events -- You might live in Minnesota .

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked -- You might live in Minnesota .

You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison -- You might live in Minnesota .

You carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend knows how to use them -- You might live in Minnesota .

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit -- You might live in Minnesota .

 

 

 

 

 

Even More You Might Live in Minnesota IF:

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow -- You might live in Minnesota .

You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction -- You might live in Minnesota .

Your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next to your blue spruce -- You might live in Minnesota

If 'Down South' to you means Iowa -- You might live in Minnesota

You know 'a brat' is something you eat -- You might live in Minnesota

You find -10 degrees 'a little chilly' -- You might live in Minnesota

You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Minnesota friends -- You've lived or are living in Minnesota ..

 

 

 

 

 

Rules of Minnesota
 
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. You say our lakes smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're not impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 times a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in; we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat walleye & northern pike and love it. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a Religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the pound of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: Onion, Pepper, and Garlic!

12. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knick s, and a hell of a lot more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards --it spooks the fish.

15. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so 'Don't screw with Minnesota .'

 

 

 

 

 

Little Known Facts About Minnesota

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the soaring heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue  background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year- old city girl would draw a picture titled 'life on the farm'".

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah",meaning "no, really... They eat fish soaked in lye".

The state song of Minnesota is "someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind".

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world"...... Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick Van Dyke show".

The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city, was originally titled "Life without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where Even A Man Who Wears A Feather Boa Can Be Governor."

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota   and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named " Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whis key trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Its "twin city," Minneapolis, was known as "pig's colon".

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota, erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. Then in 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox. Yes, Minnesota has a lot of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards On Independence Day - You Get Used To It."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat; chocolate, spam and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926. Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam Diet" -- which consists of looking at a plate of spam until you lose your appetite.  Much like the "Lutefisk Diet".

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow  families a means of attending independence day picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

 

 

 

 

 

Growing Up in a Small Midwestern Town

If you grew up in a small town:

You can name everyone you graduated with.

You know what 4-H means.

You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road.  

You used to 'drag' Main .

You whispered the 'F' word and your parents knew within the hour.

It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson 's, and it's four houses left of the track field.

The golf course had only 9 holes.

If you were looking for someone they could be found at the local gas station or the Dairy Queen

 

 

 

 

 

Sven and Ole Go Fishing

Sven and Ole were fishing one day when Sven  pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, you betcha, I tink I haff a lighter', he replied. Then reaching into  his tackle box, he pulls out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.  

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'

'Vell', replied Ole, 'I  got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya,  shure, it's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see  him?' asked Sven.

Ole opens his tackle box, and sure enough, out pops  the Genie. Addressing the Genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere, I'm a good friend  of your Master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will', says  the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The  Genie disappears back into the tackle box, leaving Sven sitting there,  waiting for his million bucks. Shortly after, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of  the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy! I asked for a  million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole says,  'Ya, I forgot to tell ya dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a  10-inch Bic?

 

 

 

 

 

A Minnesota Birthday

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing  family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and  great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their  21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the  boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st  birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the  middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and  confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st  birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father,his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father,  grandfather and great grandfather were born in January. You were born in July!

 

 

 

 

 

Ole Has An Accident

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident.  In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.  “Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer. 

Ole responded, “Vell, I'll tell you vat happened.  I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”

“I didn't ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted.  “Just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, `I'm fine?’”

Ole said, “Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road... “

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.  Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question.” 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, “I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”

Ole thanked the Judge, and proceeded.  “Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other.  I vas hurting, real bad and didn't vant to move.  However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans.” 

“Shortly after da accident, da Highway Patrolman he came to da scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her.” 

“After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes.  Then, da Patrolman he came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?’'' 

“Now vat the hell vould YOU say?”

 

 

 

 

 

Reverend Ole Puts Up a Sign

Reverend Ole is the pastor for the town's Lutheran Church. He and his assistant put up a sign in front of the church.
It reads: Da End Iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Before It Is Too Late!"

A driver speeds past them and around the curve in the road. A loud screeching of tires is heard, followed by a terrific splash!"

Ole turns to his assistant and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say Da Bridge Is Out?"

 

 

 

 

 

T'ree Norvegians

A Minnesotan version of a classic engineering joke....

Three Norwegians, Sven, Lars and Ole, graduate from college and go down to Mexico to celebrate. They get drunk, wake up in jail and are told they are going to be executed in  the morning. None of them remembers what they did the night before.
 
Sven, is strapped into the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, 'I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Nort'field, Minnesota and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.'
 
They  throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for Sven's forgiveness, and release him. He runs out of the room - free.  They then strap Lars into the chair and ask him what his last words are. 
 
'I yust graduated from the Concordia College in Moorhead, Minnesota and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.' They throw the switch and, again, nothing happens. They all immediately fall to their knees again, beg for his forgiveness and release him. He beats it to the nearest exit.
 
They start strapping Ole into the chair and he says, 'Vell, I'm from the University of Nort' Dakota in da Grand Forks and yust graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering.  "And I'll tell ya right now;  ya ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this t'ing in

 

 

 

 

 

Ole and Lena Get Married

After a very long courtship, Ole and Lena finally tied the knot. After a nice Lutheran wedding and a joyous reception at the Side Track Tavern the newlyweds headed to Minneapolis for the night before heading to Duluth for their honeymoon.
 
Ole was feeling frisky as they neared the twin cities and he put his hand on Lena’s knee.
 
Lena giggled and said, “Ya know, Ole, we’re married now. Ve can go all the vay.”
 
So, Ole drove on to Duluth…..

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter From a Farm Kid in Boot Camp

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

This will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Carol

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Secret to A Long and Happy Marriage

Ole, who is approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, is enjoying a beer at Lake Wobegon's Side Track Tavern, is asked by his friends to tell them how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Ole thinks for a moment and replies, "Vell, I've always tried to treat her nice and spend da money on her. And on our 25th anniversary I took her to Norvay."

One of the guys asks, "So, what are your special plans for your 50th anniversary?'

Ole replied, "I'm thinkin' a goin' back to get her."

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Meaning of the Expression "Uff DA"

A common Norwegian expression meaning Drat, Oops or Ouch
Frequently employed in Minnesota

"UFF DA" EXAMPLES

Getting out of bed in the morning with a backache.
Getting out of a chair after a long TV session
Walking into a room and forgetting why you came
Looking in the mirror
Getting swished in the face with a cow's wet tail.
Forgetting your mother-in-law's first name.
Two of your girl friends find out about each other.
Eating a sandwich and then finding out the spread is cat food.
Watching a Bay Area sports team
Finding out lutefisk is the main course for dinner

 

 

 

 

 

 

Considering Divorce

Two Minnesotans are out in their ice fishing fishin' shack, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I tinkin' a divorcin' my wife - she haint spoken to me in over two months now."

Earl sips his beer thoughtfully and says, "You bedder t'ink it over, ya know - vomen like that are hard to find.

Ole's Farm

Government surveyors came to Ole's farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."

Ole asked, "What is the bad news?"

The surveyors said, "Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota , but is actually in North Dakota !"

Ole looked at Lena and said, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time, why I just told Lena this morning, I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."

You Know You're From California If:

Your coworker has eight body piercings and none are visible.

You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

You can't remember . . Is pot illegal?

You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

 

 

 

 

 

Lena Gets a Job

A factory in Northern Minnesota makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Lena gets a job at the factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

At 8:45 AM the foreman bursts into the personnel manager's office and starts ranting and raving about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The personnel manager decides to check this out for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

 

 

 

 

Sven and Ole Try The Hauling Business

Sven and Ole went into the garbage hauling business. All they had for a truck was Sven's 1949 Ford pick-up with the grain sides on it. They had just filled it to the top and started out for the dump when they were stopped by the police. The officer said garbage was blowing off the top of their load and if they didn't find a way to hold it down, he was going to give them a ticket. So, Ole climbed up on top and laid down spread eagled on top of the garbage.

As they drove along, they passed under a bridge. Two Swedes standing on the bridge saw this sight and one of them remarked, "Vell, vould you look at dat! Somebody threw away a perfectly good Norwegian."

 

 

 

 

 

Ole Has An Accident

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulute vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar, da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do fur ya."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2010 and I's got microsurgery and all kinds of increjible surjery techniques. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new, ya know! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

 

 

 

 

 

A Message from the Rural Midwest

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when East Coasters and Californians cross states in the Midwest tourist agencies have adopted a set of information guidelines to help outsiders understand the Midwest. The following list will be handed to each motorist entering the state:

That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

It's called a 'gravel road'! No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your car. Now just drive 70 or get used to being passed.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were four years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it!

Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.

If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it! You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends? We're real impressed!!! We have two quarter-million dollar combines that we only use three weeks a year.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

The bill on your hat should turn down at the edges to shed the rain and be centered over your nose to keep the sunlight out of your eyes. Any other location/orientation makes you look like an idiot.

Now, enjoy your visit!

 

 

 

 

 

You Grew Up IN Rural Minnesota IF:

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

You hear someone use the word "oof-dah" and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter.

You or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at the county fair.

You know that "combine" is a noun.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick"

Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and parking in your pickup with your girlfriend out by the lake.

You spend Saturday at the local bowling alley.

Several of the kids in your class helped milk cows before school.

You have driven your car on the lake.

You can make sense of "upnort" and "baatree".

Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your Minnesota friends

 

 

 

 

Questionable Sign

0le is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. They are pounding a sign into the ground that says:

DA END ISS NEAR!
TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
BAFOR IT'S TOO LATE!

A car speeds past them, the driver sees the sign, leans out his window and yells, "Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!" A minute later they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, "Bridge Out?"

 

 

 

 

 

God and Minnesota

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today, I am going to create a land called Minnesota. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, each full of fish, and beautiful landscapes with sprawling prairies of tall grass and beautiful blue skies, and rich, fertile farmland.

The land will be rich in natural resources and populated by people so friendly they shall be known far and wide as 'Minnesota Nice,"

Gabriel replies, "That sounds truly wonderful. But, don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?"

"Not really,' chuckles God. "Wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

 

 

 

 

 

Show and Tell

The kindergarten students' Show and Tell assignment was to bring an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a hot dish."

 

 

 

 

 

Cold Is A Relative Thing

65°
Arizonans turn on the heat.
People in Minnesota plant gardens.

60°
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Minnesota sunbathe.

50°
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..

40°
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.

35°
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in Minnesota have the last cookout before cold weather sets in.

20°
People in Miami all die.
Minnesotans close the windows.


Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.

10° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.

20° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Minnesota let the dogs sleep indoors.

30° below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.

-40°
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"

-50°
Hell freezes over.
Minnesota public schools will open two hours late.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Ole and the Doctor

Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidently cut off all ten off his fingers.

He vent to da emergency room at da Clinic and vhen he got dere da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's haf da fingers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I hafn't got da fingers, ya no."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafn't got da fingers? Yumpin' yiminy! It's 2005! Ve got microsurgery and all kinds off stuff. I could haf put dem back on and made you like new!”

“Vhy didn't you bring da fingers?"

Ole replied... "How da fock was I s'posed to pick 'em up?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ole Buys a Cow

Ole, a farmer in Minnesota, needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Nortdakota (that would be 'North Dakota' for you non-Scandahoovians).

He drives to Nortdakota , finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls...the cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the
cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner. Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back home he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens." Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nortdakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"

Sven says, "My wife is from Nortdakota."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minnesota Engineers

Two Minnesota engineers are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. Lena walks by and asks what they're doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “says Ole, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

Lena takes a wrench out of her purse, loosens a couple bolts and lays the pole down on the ground. She then takes a tape measure from her pocketbook, measures the pole and announces, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walks away.

Ole shakes his head and laughs. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

 

 

 

 

 

God Creates Minnesota

On the Sixth Day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Minnesota. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty; a land of 10,000 beautiful lakes, each full of fish, and beautiful landscapes with sprawling prairies of tall grass and beautiful blue skies, and rich, fertile farmland.

This land will be rich in natural resources and populated by people so friendly they shall be known far and wide as "Minnesota Nice."

Gabriel replied, "That sounds truly wonderful, but don't you think you are being too generous to these Minnesotans?"

"Not really," chuckled God. "Wait and see the winters I am going to give them."

 

 

 

 

 

Ole And Lena At The Olympics

While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name isn't Valter."

 

 

 

 

 

Minnesota Quarters Alert

Hang on to any of the new Minnesota Quarters you may acquire.
They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents!

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota
quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters
will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones
or any other coin-operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota quarter,which was
designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together
keeps jamming up the machines.

Ya, sure. You betcha......

 

 

 

 

 

Wisconsin Travel Advisory

The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for
bears this summer.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise
you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by
their droppings:

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly
squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 
Laughter is Still the Best Medicine