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The View from the Meadow
The Meadow Joke List

Aging Jokes

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  Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person Questions for Seniors  
  Medicare Old is When….   
  You Are Living In 2007 when... Old Man and his Tomato Garden   
  You're Getting Old When ..... Older Women Healthier than Men   
  Comments Made in the Year 1955 Elderly Guy Gets a Hearing Aid   
  Strength-Building For Seniors C-Nile Virus  
  Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder Cuddles  
  The Old Guy The Shoe Box  
  White Hair Bad Drivers  
  AARP Bumper Stickers No Nursing Home For Me  
  AARP Questions and Answers Sunday Sex  
  Retirement Dad and the Teenager  
  Jack Lalanne Quote From the Mouths of Babes  
  Elderly Pickup Line 25 Signs You've Grown Up  
  The Little Girl and the Wrinkles Comments Made in the Year 1955  
  The Old Never Die Elderly Observations  
  Old Guy Goes To The Doctor High School Classmates  
  Remember When?  Senior Center Entertainment   
  Observations on Aging  Two Old Guys at Dinner   
  Elderly Confession  New Hearing Aid    
  Senior Citizens Leading AIDS Carriers Guess His Age  
  George Carlin's Views on Aging  Elderly Man Thinks Fast   
  Computer Viruses  Memories  
  Bob Hope On Aging:  Mid-Life Views  
  New Years Prayer for the Elderly   Life Before The Computer   
  New Lyrics  Comments Made in the Year 1955  
  Retirement Questions Truths That The Elderly Have Learned  
  Questions on Aging The Wise Old Rooster  
  Views On Aging The Meaning Of Life  
  Old Timer Sex Young Hair Styles  
  Celebrity Observations On Aging Perks of Being Old  
  Applying for Social Security All Seniors Aren't Senile  
  Games For The Elderly Signs Of Menopause  
  Send Guys over 60 Mother Goose for The Elderly  
  The Good Old Days Choices: Then and Now  
  Early Retirement Plan Elderly Views on Walking  
  You're Getting Old If..... Exercise For People Over 60  
  Thoughts of the Elderly THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:  
  Senior Citizen Observations Senior Personal Ads  
  Truths For Mature Humans Observations on Growing Older  
  Shopping Memories Advice About Growing Old  
  Alzheimer's Research Liquid Viagra  
  Old Ain't Dumb Gray Hair  
  Old Fart Joke Texting For The Elderly  
  Grandpa's Advice High School 1957 vs. 2011  
  The Golden Years Sex In Your Seventies  
  Prayer For Grandpa The Day vs. Today  
  Retire Where? Secret To a Long Life  
  Perks Of Being Old Alzheimer's Check  
  Dinner With An Old Friend The Green Thing  
  Aging Questions Getting' Old  
  Long Ago Senior Healthcare  
  Aging Observations Growing Old  
  The Parrot You're Getting Old If.....  
  Senior Texting Codes Feeling Youthful  
  Irish Coffee Will I Live to see 80?  
The Choice New Wine for Seniors
  Hot and Cold Sex Senior Citizens Leading AIDS Carriers  
Yes, I'm A Senior Citizen Aging
Senior Health Warning: Little Old Man
Generic Viagra Games For The Elderly
Walgreens Aging with a Smile
Great Truths Adults Have Learned Ages of Success
Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn  
   
   
     
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Idle Thoughts of a Retired Person Whose Mind Wanders

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

 

Medicare

Medicare recipients now may enroll in a prescription drug plan. The options are incredibly confusing. The telephone help lines are so jammed that India has reached full employment for the first time in its three-thousand-year history.

 

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...

1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.Signs You've Grown Up

 

 

 

 

 

You Know You're Getting Old When .....

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those d--- kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Hell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

"I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You take naps.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh sh*t, what the hell happened?"

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one that doesn’t apply.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments Made in the Year 1955:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas "

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president.""I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, Forget it."

 

 

STRENGTH-BUILDING FOR SENIORS

I discovered this exercise suggested for seniors to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends and family. The manual suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks. Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

A A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

----the car isn't washed,

----the bills aren't paid,

----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

----the flowers don't have enough water,

----there is still only 1 check in my check book,

----I can't find the remote,

----I can't find my glasses,

----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

P.S. I just remembered, I LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!!

 

The Old Guy

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

 

 

 

 

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

AARP Bumper Stickers

I believe in having sex on the first date.
At my age, there may not be a second date.

Senior Campbell's - New Large Type Alphabet Soup.

I must be getting older . . .
All the names in my phone book end with M.D.

I am not old.
I am chronologically gifted.

Florida . . . God's Waiting Room.
At my age flowers scare me.

I am so old that . . . whenever I eat out,
they ask me for money up front.

I am so old that all my friends in heaven
will think I didn't make it.

Birthdays are good for you.
The more you have, the longer you live.

One good thing about Alzheimers,
you get to meet new people everyday.

Support BINGO! Keep Grandma off the streets.

Any day above ground is a good one.

Retirement - Twice as much husband, half as much money.

My wife always gives me sound advice
99% Sound . . . 1% Advice

Retirement

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
 
John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
 
"Really!?   Like a newborn baby?"
 
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

 

 

 

 

 

Jack Lalanne Quote

Fitness guru Jack Lalanne turned 93 a couple of weeks ago. Here's what he had to say about it:

"I feel great. I have sex almost every day. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday . . . "

 

 

 

 

 

Elderly Pickup Line

A very elderly but bright-eyed gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of after shave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady tricked out in a modest but very becoming cocktail dress.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Girl and the Wrinkles

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days, isn't He?"

 

 

 

 

 

The Old Never Die

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

 

 

 

 

 

Dad and the Teenager

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

 

 

 

 

From the Mouths of Babes

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

**********
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied..

**********
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's computer keyboard. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" He asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

**********
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct.

But it was fun for me, so I continued.

At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself."

**********
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

**********
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

**********
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"

**********
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Do you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Yes," said the young boy confidently. "I means carrying a child."

**********
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

 

 

 

 

 

25 Signs You've Grown Up

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

You're the one calling the police because those d--- kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

You don't know what time Taco Hell closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time."

I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find a single one that doesn’t apply.

 

 

 

 

 

Comments Made in the Year 1955

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" (a stamp cost 3 cents at the time)

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"Things are tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

 

 

 

 

 

C-Nile Virus

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this computer virus. It appears to primarily affect those who were born prior to 1950. 

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. 
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. 
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. 
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. 
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. 
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. 
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". 
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE".   

 

 

 

 

 

Cuddles

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

 

 

 

 

The Shoe Box

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. 

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95, 000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. He thought she had only been angry with him twice in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey,' he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "I made that by selling the dolls."

 

 

 

 

 

Bad Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

 

 

 

 

 

No Nursing Home For Me

On a cruise through the Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner I noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

One evening I stopped by her table and introduced myself. I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I asked why and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. Reservations on a Princess, with a long-term discount and senior discount cost just $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.

2. I can eat as many as 10 meals a day or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess ships have as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap, and shampoo.

5. They will treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. Broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

10. You can see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or just about anywhere else you want to go.

PS. When you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

 

 

 

 

Sunday Sex

When Katie heard that her elderly grandfather had just passed away she went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Questions for Seniors

Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-- look under fiction

Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these." 

Q: What is the most frequent thought when going from one room to another?
A: "What did I come here for?"

 

 

 

 

 

Old is When….

Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to eat any fiber today.

"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old Man and his Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the garden area for me.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,

    Don't dig up the garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do for you under the circumstances.

Love, Vincent

 

 

 

 

 

Older Women Healthier than Men

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to  getting older."
 
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
 
"Well," replied  the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in  bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
 
"Healthier? How is that?" his  buddy wondered.
 
 "Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered.
 
"Now that we're  older, she hasn't had a headache in years."

 

 

 

 

 

Elderly Guy Gets a Hearing Aid

An elderly guy’s hearing deteriorated over a number of years. When it got really bad he went to the doctor was fitted for a set of hearing aids that totally restored his hearing.

When he went back to the doctor a month later the doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear so well again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations.”

“I've changed my will three times!'”

 

 

 

 

 

Old Guy Goes To The Doctor

An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ ''

The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur --  be careful.'

 

 

 

 

 

Elderly Observations

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
 
I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

 An elderly woman decides to prepare her will and tells her preacher she has two final requests. First, she wants to be cremated and second, she wants her ashes scattered over Walmart."Walmart?" the preacher exclaims. "Why Walmart?"

"So I can be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week"

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

A cure for wrinkles: Just eat more until the wrinkles fill out.

 

 The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

 

 

 

 

 

Remember When?

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3-inch floppy . . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!

 

 

 

 

High School Classmates

I was recently sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentis when.I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who was in my high school class almost 50 years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked. 

He answered , "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!"  I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?" 

 

 

 

 

 

Observations on Aging
 
As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.
 
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All-Bran.
 
You can't stay young forever. But, you can be immature for your entire life.
 
I live in my own little world. But it's okay --- they know me here.
 
Forget health food. I'm at the age where I need all the preservatives I can get.
 
I can't even get home on my take-home pay.
 
I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started......

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and many of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
Worse, yet: you forget to pull it down.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

 

 

 

 

Senior Center Entertainment

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
 
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put in a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
 
'I want you to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It has been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch, watch, watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed theswaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
 
'Shit,' exclaimed the hypnotist.
 
It took three days to clean up the mess in the senior center.

 

 

 

 

 

Elderly Confession
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional and tells the priest, "I am 92 years old. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
 
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
 
Man: "What sins? "
 
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
 
Man: "I'm Jewish."
 
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
 
"I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

 

 

 

 

 

Two Old Guys at Dinner

An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives leave the tableand go into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one says, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man asks, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thinks and thinks and finally asks, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

 

 

 

 

Senior Citizens Leading AIDS Carriers

Hearing AIDS
Band AIDS
RollAIDS
Walking AIDS
Hearing AIDS
Medical AIDS
Government AIDS
Monetary AIDS for Their Kids

 

 

 

 

 

New Hearing Aid

A man told his neighbor in Sun City Center, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

 

 

 

 

 

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions."How old are you?"  "I'm four and a half!"  You're never thirty-six and a half.  You're four and a half, going on five!  That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.  You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?"  "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.  YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.  Oooohh, what happened there?  Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.  There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling.  What's wrong?  What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.  Whoa!  Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!  You MAKE it to 60.  You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get in to your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN4:30; you REACH bedtime.  And it doesn't end there.  Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.  "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.  Let the doctors worry about them.  That is why you pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.  Never let the brain idle.  "An idle mind is the devil's workshop."  And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud.  Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.  Endure, grieve, and move on.  The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.  Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.  Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:  If it is good, preserve it.  If it is unstable, improve it.  If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips.  Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

We all need to live life to its fullest each day!

 

 

 

 

 

Guess His Age

Four mischievous old ladies are sitting at a table in a nursing home when an old guy walks in. One of the ladies asks him, "Wanna bet we can guess how old you are?"

The old guy doesn't think they can and takes the bet.

One of the women says, "Just drop your pants and under shorts and we'll tell you your exact age."

Embarrassed a bit, but to prove they couldn't do it, he drops his drawers.

The women ask him to turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times. Then they simultaneously shout, "You're 87 years old!"

With his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asks, "How in the world did you guess?"

The ladies reply in unison, "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Computer Viruses

The Bush Virus- Causes your computer to keep searching for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus- Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Clinton Virus- Gives you a permanent Hard Drive; with NO memory

The Al Gore Virus- Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole Virus- Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy

The Lewinsky Virus- Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus- Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back

The Mike Tyson Virus- Quits after two bytes

The Oprah Winfrey Virus- Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB

The Ellen Degeneres Virus- Disks can no longer be inserted

The Prozac Virus- Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care

The Michael Jackson Virus- Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus- Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows

 

 

 

 

 

Elderly Man Thinks Fast

An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob Hope On Aging:

On Turning 70: You still chase women, but only downhill.

On Turning 80: That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

On Turning 90: You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

On Turning 100: I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Memories

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

Nothing enhances the good old days more than a poor memory.

 

 

 

 

New Years Prayer for the Elderly

Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Citizens Leading AIDS Carriers

Hearing AIDS
Band AIDS
RollAIDS
Walking AIDS
Hearing AIDS
Medical AIDS
Government AIDS
Monetary AIDS for Their Kids

 

 

 

 

 

A SPECIAL NOTE TO ALL THE KIDS OF THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and drank while they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with brightly colored lead-base paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads. As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes. Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

Our parents all smoked, in the house, in the car, in restaurants, at work and just about all of the time. And yet, we're still here. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from a single bottle, and nobody died.We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, bacon, and meat and potatoes. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...... that's why! Not watching TV, playing computer games or using cell phones to talk to or text people. We had friends and we went outside and played with them! We would leave home in the morning and play all day. And our parents didn't worry about us unless we weren't home by the time the street lights came on.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we solved the problem. We rode bikes, we fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. If we broke the law our parents didn't bail us out. They sided with the law!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. We were given BB guns, we made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and we ran with scissors and nobody poked an eye out. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and we didn't get sick.

We had the freedom to try new things, to succeed and to fail, and we had responsibilities. And we learned how to deal with it all. These generations produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever. They invented and developed the communications, computer systems and other technologies so common today. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

If YOU you were one of these kids, CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives and took the fun out of it.

You might want to forward this to your kids and grandkids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were. And what it was like in the real world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Lyrics

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:

Ringo Starr: I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Cash: I Can't See Clearly Now!
The Commodores: Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye: Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations: Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Helen Reddy: I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Willie Nelson: On the Commode Again

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life Before The Computer

Remember When......

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And, if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy..... you hoped nobody found out

 

 

 

 

 

Retirement Questions

What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
There is not enough time to get everything done.

Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

How many days in a week?
6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

When is a retiree's bedtime?
Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it might take all day.

Why do retirees count pennies?
They are the only ones who have the time.

Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

What do retirees call a long lunch?
Normal

What is the best way to describe retirement?
The never ending Coffee Break.

What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
NUTS!

 

 

 

 

 

Comments Made in the Year 1955

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $1,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.'

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'There is no sense going anywhere for a weekend; it costs over $5.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, it costs $35.00 a day in the hospital.

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

 

 

 

 

 

Questions on Aging

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, look under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt '

Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.

Q:How can you avoid elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q:Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where the car is parked.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes. Especially in the afternoon.

Q:What is the most common remark made by old people when they enter antique stores?
A: Boy, do I remember these!

 

 

 

 

 

Truths That The Elderly Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

Wrinkles don't hurt.

Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Today's mighty oak is yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

 

 

 

 

 

Views On Aging

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
If you're feeling ancient and thinking you'd like to be young again --- remember Algebra.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Others think, "I look this way because I've traveled a long way and the roads of life aren't paved."

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the best things about aging is, it's so much better than being young.

Being young is beautiful - but being old is comfortable.

 

 

 

 

 

The Wise Old Rooster

A farmer buys new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and tells him, "OK old fart, it's time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "I'm not ready to retire. But, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins will be the stud for the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs and responds, "You don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. As they come around the farmhouse the young rooster has closed the gap and is gaining on the old rooster.

The farmer is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters he grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster away. The farmer shakes his head and says, "Damn.....that's the third gay rooster I bought this month."

The moral of this story? Don't mess with old farts. Age, skill, and treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

 

 

 

 

Old Timer Sex

An old couple is in the village tavern enjoying a beer. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went out behind the tavern and you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

He says, "How about taking a stroll back there and doing it again for old time's sake?"

"Oh, Jim, you old devil, that's crazy. But, let's do it!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth hears their conversation, chuckles and says to himself, "I'd better keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."

The couple make their way to the back of the tavern and the officer follows them at a distance. The old lady lifts her skirt and leans against the fence. The old guy drops his trousers and begins making love to her.

It's the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen, a lot of action, moaning and screaming. They finally collapse, out of breath and panting on the ground. Finally, they struggle to their feet and straighten out their clothes.

The policeman is amazed at their vigorous activity at an old age and decides to ask them what their secret is. So, as they walk past him he says, "Excuse me, but you must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man, still shaking, is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

 

 

 

 

The Meaning Of Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit by the door of your house all day and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That"s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I"ll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I"ll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That"s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer"s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That"s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I"ll give back the other forty?" God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I"ll give you twenty years."

But the human said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Thats Life

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrity Observations On Aging

"I've reached the age if they flattened out all of my wrinkles I'd be seven feet tall."
Robert Orben

"If Philo T. Farnsworth hadn't invented television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
Johnny Carson

"All my life I've been terrible at remembering names. I once introduced a friend as Martini. Her name was actually Olive."
Tallulah Bankhead

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life -- unless I buy something."
Jackie Mason

"My doctor is wonderful. Once, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-rays."
Joey Bishop

"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's deep enough. Who needs an adorable pancreas?
Jean Kerr

 

 

 

 

 

Young Hair Styles

An old man is sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man sits down beside him. The boy has rings in his ears, nose and lips. He has black makeup around his eyes and spiked hair that is dyed yellow, green, orange and purple. The old man stares at him.

Finally the boy notices and says, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man thinks for a while and answers, "Well yes actually, I have. I once got really drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you could be my son."

 

 

 

 

 

Applying for Social Security

A guy retires and goes to the Social Security office to apply for benefits. The woman behind the counter asks him for his driver's license to verify his age.

He checks his pockets and realizes he had left his wallet at home. He tells the lady he is very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later

The woman says, 'Unbutton your shirt'. He opens his shirt. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me."

When he gets home he tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

He did drop his pants.

He received the disability -- but got a lot more laughs than he would have liked......

 

 

 

 

 

AARP Questions and Answers

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'

 

 

 

 

 

Perks of Being Old

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

You can live without sex but not your glasses.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

No one expects you to run--anywhere.

People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

You can eat supper at 4 pm.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

You can sing along with elevator music.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

NOTE: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night !!

 

 

 

 

 

All Seniors Aren't Senile

An older, white haired man walks into a jewelry store on Friday evening with a gorgeous, sexy, young gal at his side.

He tells the jeweler he is looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looks through his stock and shows him a $5,000 ring. The old man says, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

So the jeweler checks his special stock and brings out another ring. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he says.

The young lady's eyes are wide open and her whole body is trembling with excitement. The old man sees this and says, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asks how payment would be made and the old man says, "By check. I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

On Monday morning, the jeweler phones the old man and tells him, "There's no money in that account."

I know," says the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

Games For The Elderly

Sag, you're It.

Hide and go pee.

20 questions shouted into your good ear.

Kick the bucket

Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

Musical recliners.

Simon says - something incoherent.

Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

 

 

 

 

 

Signs Of Menopause

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

You pin post-it notes with their names on your kids.

You change your underwear after a sneeze.

 

 

 

 

 

Send Guys over 60

Our military believes men over 60 are too old; people over 42 aren't even allowed to enlist. The opposite is true: older men are much better at combating terrorists.

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us much more time to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky – a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. We are impatient and letting us kill some asshole that deserves it could shut us up for a while.

18-year-olds don't like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell.

If captured we wouldn't spill the beans because we"d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number can be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp is easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We also have an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

An 18-year-old has his whole life ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl and they're not bright enough to figure out that the brim on a baseball cap is for shading the eyes, not the back of his head.

Let the old guys track down those dirty rotten terrorists. The last thing an enemy wants to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.....

If nothing else, put them on border patrol! They will have it secured the first night!

 

 

 

 

 


Mother Goose for The Elderly


Jack and Jill jogged up the hill

their breath came faster and faster

before the topthey made a stop

narrowly averting

a myocardial disaster

 

Jack tried to be nimble

he tried to be quick

but, he shot hoops with the kids

and ruptured a disc


Oh where, oh where

has my estrogen gone?

Oh where, or where can it be?

I was once young and fair

now I sprout facial hair

oh, hormones please

come back to me


Tinkle, tinkle in a jar

yearly check-up here you are

my LDL is much too high

I'm sure my pressure's reached the sky

Why's his finger up so far?

I wish I'd never left my car


Stock market, stock market

I'm down on my knees

You've got to recover

I'm begging you, please

I'd gotten used to the cash

my wife and I had a stash

Stock market, stock market

please go higher

If you crash we can never retire

 

 

 

 

 

The Good Old Days

When I was a boy, Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and a half-dozen eggs.

You can't do that these days --- too many security cameras."

 

 

 

 

 

Choices: Then and Now

1979: Long hair
2009: Longing for hair

1979: KEG
2009: EKG

1979: Acid rock
2009: Acid reflux

1979: Moving to California because it's cool
2009: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1979: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1979: Seeds and stems
2009: Roughage

1979: Hoping for a BMW
2009: Hoping for a BM

1979: Going to a new, hip joint
2009: Receiving a new hip joint

1979: Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones

1979: Screw the system
2009: Upgrade the system

1979: Disco
2009: Costco

1979: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1979: Passing the drivers' test
2009: Passing the vision test

 

 

 

 

 

Early Retirement Plan

Due to the current economic situation, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, hoping to create jobs and reduce unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress for assistance from the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

People who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be monitored by the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, but SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

People who have been RAPED could also get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). People with AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) from Congress as possible. If you do not receive sufficient SHIT, contact your Congressman, they will give you more SHIT than you can handle.

For further information, contact:

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (EVIL)
Email: EVIL@congress.usa

 

 

 

 

 

Elderly Views on Walking

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could some hear heavy breathing again.

I do my walking early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Walking can add minutes to your life enabling you, when you're 85 years old, to spend an extra five months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.

I enjoy long walks, when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I joined a health club last year. It cost me $400 and I haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to actually go there.

I admit I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Every time I say the dirty word "exercise," I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The only advantage of exercising every day is that when you die they'll say, "My, she looks good doesn't she?"

If you are going to try cross-country hiking, start with a small country.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information stored in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Every time I start thinking too much about going for a walk, I just find a Happy Hour. By the time I leave, who cares?

Walking? Screw it! I got enough exercise the last few years just getting over the hill.

 

 

 

 

You're Getting Old If.....

Your house plants are doing well, but you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You read this entire list looking desperately for a single sign that doesn't apply to you; but can't find a single one.

 

 

 

 

Exercise For People Over 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides.
Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts of the Elderly

If you haven't grown up by age 50 - you don't have to.

Being called "Ma'am" ain't so bad... unless it's preceded by wham, bam, thank you...

Help!!! Victoria won't tell me the secret!

If people were meant to pop out of bed we'd all sleep in toasters.

We have only one regret at our age; that's all the sins we didn't commit.

Mirror mirror on the wall... What the !@#%^! happened?

How could the local cemetery raise its burial rates and blame it on the increased cost of living?

 

 

 

 

 

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

You believe in Santa Claus.
You don't believe in Santa Claus.
You are Santa Claus.
You look like Santa Claus.

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Citizen Observations

I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway though.

It was so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what it use to be.

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Personal Ads

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who just buried fourth husband and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

 

 

 

 

 

Truths For Mature Humans

A best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?
I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 times and still not know what time it is.

 

 

 

 

 

Observations on Growing Older

Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them
but your grandchildren are perfect!

Going out is good.
Coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great"...
then they add "for your age!"

When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything... movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

You forget names ... but it's OK
because other people forget they even knew you!

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

Your spouse is counting on you
to remember things you don't remember.

The things you used to like to do,
you no longer want to do.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed.
It's called his "pre-sleep".

Remember when your mother said, "Always wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

You miss the days when everything worked
with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem were unheard of,
and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry,
it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've already read it. 
What used to be freckles are now liver spots. 

Your husband has a night out with the guys,
but he's home by 9:00 P.M.

Now that your husband has retired ...
you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

But old is good in some things:
old songs,
old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!

 

 

 

 

 

Shopping Memories

When I was a boy my mom would send me to the grocery store with $1 and I'd come back with a bag of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and a half dozen eggs.

You can't do that now. Too many F*****g security cameras.

 

 

 

 

 

Advice About Growing Old

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..

Forget health food. Eat all the preservatives you can get.

When you fall down, figure out what else you can do while you're down there.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

 

 

 

 

Alzheimer's Research

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

 

 

 

 

Liquid Viagra

Pfizer Corp. will soon produce a liquid form of Viagra. Coca Cola plans to market a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously, this won't be called a soft drink and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & DO.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Old Ain't Dumb

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in the crew in a feat of strength.

After several minutes an older worker had enough and says, "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man grabs the wheelbarrow by the handles and, nodding to the young man, he says, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

 

 

 

 

 

Gray Hair

A little girl was watching her mother do the dishes when she noticed that she had several strands of gray hair on her brunette head. She asked her, "Why are some of your hairs gray, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The girl thought about this for a minute then asked, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

 

 

 

 

Old Fart Joke

An elderly couple is about halfway through the church services when she leans over to him and says, "I just silently passed gas, what do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid..."

 

 

 

 

 

Texting For The Elderly

BTW Bring The Wheelchair
ROFL.CGU Rollin On The Floor Laughing. And Can't Get Up
DWI Driving While Incontinent
LOL Living On Lipitor
OMG Oye, My Grandchildren
OMG Ouch, My Groin!
IMHO Is My Hearing-Aid On?
IMHMO: In My HMOWTF What's Today's Fish?
RULKM Are You Leaving Kids Money?
FWIW Forgot Where I WasFWIW: Forgot Where I Was
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
TGIF: Thank Goodness It's Four (Four O'Clock - Early Bird Special)
FWB: Friend With Beta blockers
FYI: For Your Indigestion...
JK: Just Kvetching
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
SUS: Speak Up, Sonny
WIWYA: When I Was Your Age
GOML: Get Off My LawnATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CGU: Can't get up
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL: Rolling On The Floor Laughing
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

 

 

 

Grandpa's Advice

When I was 12 I was sitting on a park bench with my Grandpa, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I will find a woman and start my own family.

"And son," he advised, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

Ah, the wisdom of the aged.

 

 

 

 

 

High School 1957 vs. 2011

Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2011 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2011 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2011 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2011 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock
2011 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2011 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.
2011 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2011 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

 

 

 

 

 

The Golden Years

Two old dudes are sunning themselves in their rockers on the front porch of the rest home. One of them says, "You know, I think it's time, Dude..."

"Time for what?" interrupts the other.

"Time for us to start calling each other by our real names instead of "Dude" all the time."

The other guy agrees. They sit quietly for several minutes, obviously deep in thought.

The first guy says, "Got anything yet?"

The other guy says, " I think one of us is named Ted...."

 

 

 

 

 

Sex In Your Seventies

In your seventies you think about sex just as frequently as in your twenties. The difference is now you think: What was it like to have sex?

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

"I believe in having sex on a first date," confessed Betty.
"That's very modern thinking for an eighty-year-old," replied her young friend.
"Well, when you're dating eighty-year-old men you can never be quite sure of getting a second date."

At seventy your only hope of finding romance is to hope that love is blind, dumb and desperate.

When you're 70 love is not the answer; love is the question. Get lost is the answer.

At 20 he asks, How often did you come?
At 60 he asks, Did you come?
At 70 he asks, Did I come?

 

 

 

 

 

 


Prayer For Grandpa

Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

The Day vs. Today
(The Day: 1961)

1961: Long hair
2011: Longing for hair

1961: KEG
2011: EKG

1961: Acid rock
2011: Acid reflux

1961: Moving to California because it's cool
2011: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1961: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2011: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1961: Seeds and stems
2011: Roughage

1961: Hoping for a BMW
2011: Hoping for a BM

1961: Going to a new, hip joint
2011: Receiving a new hip joint

1961: Rolling Stones
2011: Kidney Stones

1961: Screw the system
2011: Upgrade the system

1961: Disco
2011: Costco

1961: Passing the drivers' test
2011: Passing the vision test

1961: Whatever
2011: Depends

 

 

 

 

 

 


Retire Where?
Here are some of the choices:

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can retire to California where.....

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where..

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (if you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. There only four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumesfit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference.

You can retire to Colorado where....

1 You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
5. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car

You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of atraffic jamis ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You can retire to Florida where.

1. You eat dinner at3:15in the afternoon.
2.. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secret To a Long Life

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old, wrinkled, lady sitting on her front step smiling and smoking a cigar. He walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every week and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid and, other than that, I don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty," she replied

 

 

 

 

 



Perks Of Being Old

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

You can live without sex, but not your glasses.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

 

 

 

 

 


Alzheimer's Check

This a mental assessment from Harvard's School of Psychiatry

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down................

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dinner With An Old Friend

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. He noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years.

While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

The friend hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I keep forgetting her name."

 

 

 

 

 

The Green Thing

The cashier in the grocery store told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment." Well, she was right -- her generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, they returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so they could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in their day.

They walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in their day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in their day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for them. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old
newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

They didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they did not have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad how the current generation believes our old folks were wasteful just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

 

 

 

 

 

Aging Questions

Q: How can men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true?Where it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ....."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly --- wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for people over 60 to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should people over 60 look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by people over 60 when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 

 

 

 

 

 


Getting' Old

Two elderly gentlemen are sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I just wet my pants."

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it’s called golf.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know “why” I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way and many of the roads weren’t paved.

How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

 

 

 

 

 

 


Long Ago

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan , or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me,

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and three was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice..

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-Ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts were below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Healthcare

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aging Observations

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Parrot

An old man was sitting on a bus when a young man sat down beside him. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow. The old man just stared at him.

The young man felt uncomfortable and finally asked, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

 

 

 

 

 


Growing Old

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then…
Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!

I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

 

 

 

 

 

You're Getting Old If.....

You watch the Weather Channel.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

You take naps from noon to 6 PM.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is "pretty good stuff."

 

 

 

 

 

Senior Texting Codes

ATD:
At The Doctor's

BFF:
Best Friend Fainted

BTW:
Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT:
Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM:
Covered By Medicare

CGU:
Can't get up

CUATSC:
See You At The Senior Center

DWI:
Driving While Incontinent

FWB:
Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW:
Forgot Where I Was

FYI:
Found Your Insulin

GGPBL:
Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA:
Got Heartburn Again

HGBM:
Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO:
Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO:
Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL:
Living On Lipitor

LWO:
Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR:
On My Massage Recliner

OMSG:
Oh My! Sorry Gas.

ROFL... CGU:
Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

TTYL:
Talk To You Louder

WAITT:
Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA:
Wet The Furniture Again

WTP:
Where's The Prunes?

WWNO:
Walker Wheels Need Oil

GGLKI:
(Gotta Go Laxative Kicking In)

 

 

 

 

 

 


Feeling Youthful

I've got young blood.
It's just that it's in an old container.

 

 

 

 

 

Irish Coffee

An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's lagging libido.

'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said... "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra."

"What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.

“You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.

"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!” she exclaimed. “T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

''Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.

He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex wasn't good?"

"It was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

 

 

 

 

 


Will I Live to see 80?

Food for thought:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I just turned sixty-five). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"No," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a sh*t?"

 

 

 

 

 

The Choice

A little old lady was walking up and down the halls in a nursing home. When she approached a man she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex!"

When she approached Sam, an elderly man in a wheelchair, she flipped her gown at him and said, "Supersex!"

Sam sat silently for a moment or two, apparently thinking it over, and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

 

 

 

 

 

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE!

 

 

 

 

 

Hot and Cold Sex

A doctor told his elderly patient, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"Yes, I do." said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said to her: "Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He says that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?"

"Oh, that crazy old bastard" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

 

 

 

 

 

Mid-Life Views

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I'm A Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

 

 

 

 

 

Aging

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. I love it when they say "you don't look that old."

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and many of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, remember Algebra.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

 

 

Senior Health Warning:

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends.

 

 

 

 

 


Little Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying.

The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

 

 

 

 

Generic Viagra

The FDA considered several candidates when choosing a generic name for Viagra.

Terms under consideration included Mycoxafallin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dioxafdix and Ibepokin.

The agency settled for Mycoxafloppin.

 

 

 

 

 

Games For The Elderly

Sag, You're it.

Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

20 questions shouted into your good ear.

Kick the bucket.

Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

Doc Goose.

Simon says something incoherent.

Hide and go pee.

Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

Musical recliners.

 

 

 

 

 

Walgreens

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, decide to get married.
They go into a Walgreensand Jacob asks the pharmacist a few questions.

Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?

Pharmacist: Of course we do.

Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?

Pharmacist: All kinds.

Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?

Pharmacist: Definitely.

Jacob: How about Viagra?

Pharmacist: Of course.

Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?

Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.

Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?

Pharmacist: Absolutely.

Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?

Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask?

Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aging with a Smile

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few
drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are
just prone to swinging.

 

 

 

 

 

Great Truths Adults Have Learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
Wrinkles don't hurt.
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
Old age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy...

 

 

 

 

 

Ages of Success

At age 4 success is: Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is: Having friends.
At age 17 success is: Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is: Having money.
At age 50 success is: Having money....
At age 70 success is: Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is: Having friends.
At age 80 success is: Not piddling in your pants.

 

 

 

 

 

Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you
to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion,
economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe
that we are above average drivers.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

 
Laughter is Still the Best Medicine !